REVIEW: Spider-Man 3 (2007)

A strange black entity from another world bonds with Peter Parker and causes inner turmoil as he contends with new villains, temptations, and revenge.

PREVIOUSLY ON SUPERHERO MONTH MARATHON…

Review:

I really don’t want to review this movie. This movie and I have a terrible, terrible relationship. This movie is like hottie you were friends with in high school that you’ve had a crush on and when you finally get down to the good stuff, you’re left unsatisfied and quite furious with yourself. This movie is aweful.

What happened? From the opening monologue I knew something was wrong. Coming off one of the best superhero movies ever with Spider-Man 2 and also one of the most amazing trailers in history, Spider-Man 3 falls flat in almost every possible way. The first 45-minutes or so aren’t as insulting as the remainder of the film, but it’s still quite a drag. Three movies in and we can’t get over the “poor Peter” aspect? If anybody had a life as bad as this kid, they’d have offed their self a long time ago. Not only that, but we actually get emo Peter Parker. Jet black hair, eyeliner, and comb-over bangs. Lets not forget the brilliantly conceived jazz scene.

Also, how the hell did they screw up the Sandman? Thomas Haden Church is a fine actor and looks almost identical to the comic book counterpart. Yet, somehow they still effed it up. First with his origin story. Okay, so he’s a criminal who robbed banks to get money to save his dying daughter. Alright, I can live with that. What happens next? He’s running from the cops, falls into a hole where scientists are conducting an experiment to spin sand in circles and he’s transformed into the Sandman. Um… what? Then they continue to play the whole “I’m not a bad man” aspect even after he repeatedly tries to murder innocent bystanders and Spider-Man. Yeah, dude, you’re not a bad man at all. You’re just trying to help your daughter out. Riiiiight

I won’t even jump into the ludicrous creation that is the new Green Goblin. James Franco on a snowboard flying around and throwing pumpkin bombs has no importance to me. What I will tear apart though is this fella…

Why is Venom in this movie? Why was Topher Grace cast as him? Why is he killed within 10-minutes? For the uninformed, Venom is the Darth Vadar of the Spider-Man series. The Joker of the Spider-Man series. What Lucifer is to God is what Venom is to Spider-Man. I apologize if I come off a bit like a rambling fanboy, but if I remember correctly, Venom is the only character to actually kill Spider-Man in the comic books. Yet, the audience is supposed to believe this badass is only on screen for 10-minutes before being killed by a set of pipes and a pumpkin bomb? Sorry, not buying it. He doesn’t even look like Venom.

That is Venom. See how big he is? How menacing he is? The Venom is Spider-Man 3 is not Venom.

If you haven’t already been able to tell, I hate this movie. As I stated, the first 45-minutes or so are enjoyable to some degree. If you haven’t seen this movie yet, you’re lucky. If you plan to watch it, shame on you.

3.5/10

Theatrical Trailer:

Best Scenes:

Credits:

Directed by: Sam Raimi

Written by: Sam Raimi, Ivan Raimi & Alvin Sargent

Cast: Tobey Maquire, Kirsten Dunst, James Franco, Thomas Haden Church, Topher Grace, Bryce Dallas Howard, Rosemary Harris, J.K. Simmons, Bruce Campbell, Elizabeth Banks, Willem Dafoe

Runtime: 139 minutes

Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense action violence.

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